Grate expectations!!

Is it possible not to expect? Is it humanly possible for anyone to do that perpetually? The inertia of this stupid mind does not let me go off many thoughts that have been bugging my mind since some time now. Disappointments at college, at work, at home and everywhere else when looked closely seem to have a different reason each time, but when looked through the reverse telescopic view ( a figment of my imagination..dont bother..in case you do..there's a post about it too...though I know you won't..but just in case..), everything seems to have their roots at "expectations". The property to visualise getting something in return the moment an idea strikes your mind. It is not the fault of the idea. The idea is a harmless, dimensionless (forgive me, physicists..not talking science here) seed that is planted either by external factors or your own subconsciousness. But you do not want to nurture the idea just like that. You start with, "What's in it for me?" and when you get a valid answer like fame, money, love, attention blah blah and you agree to water the seed. This very "me" makes that idea important to you and it grows and grows and you can't leave it. In fact, it is so ingrained that it gives you a high of "feel good" when good things happen. But what happens when things don't work out the way they should have been? The same clay that makes a pot of "feel good" turns into a quagmire. Considering your oneness with the idea, you cannot believe how it could fail. You start fighting aggressively and no wonder the more you struggle, the more you go deeper into it.

At work, I remember, I had decided from not day one, but somewhere midway that I would not care about grades. I would work as hard as I can without expecting anything in return. I would not care about what people talked about me. I was gonna learn without keeping any expectations. So when I was the last person to leave office or coming on a weekend, people joking as they made their way out, I would just smile. It never affected me, as if there was a separate personality handling these comments and just dumping them. Then also as I heard that, " You were worthy of a very good grade. But.." I could not get good grades twice because I made my intentions clear much ahead of time, I did not feel bad. Instead I replied, " I can understand. There are other people who are gonna stay back and need more encouragement than me." ( Believe me..I was made the laughing stock cum epitome of idiocy as I relayed the story to my parents). It did not pain me at all. Repeated telecasts of the story at home, however, thanks to my parents, were enough to plant the seeds of expectations and now suddenly, I feel so bad about it. Add to that hearing about other colleagues who made a good plan about when to inform and whom to inform about their plan to quit and managing to get the best grade. Cheers to being over-frank!!

Coming across a rich guy or a well settled guy or a learned guy or a healthy guy and feeling the inferiority eat you in as you know you are light years away from getting there. One may say the reason for disappointment is competition, but deep down it comes to expectations; expecting that you be like him.

I could go on and on..proving examples..unsure though if I am right..

I feel expectation begets sorrow, disappointment and the ideal way is not to....expect. I am gonna try and do it, thinking about the smallest thought and nurturing it without expectations. Even partial success is good enough for me..and it starts from not checking facebook periodically for comments, likes..:).....I am at war.....with myself.....har har mahadeo....